I overheard a most interesting conversation as we were preparing for Marie Monville, wife of the Amish schoolhouse shooter, to come. Many people were marveling at forgiveness offered on both sides and the inspirational and aspirational nature of such radical forgiveness. One of the ladies who was considering come remarked that she decided not to because she was not yet ready to forgive. She was not coming to hear the speaker because there was someone in her life she could not imagine forgiving. It was at that moment, I realized we needed some teaching about forgiveness. This morning, we begin a month long series on forgiveness. What and how is God calling us to forgive – this radical forgiveness that the Bible calls us to life out.
This is very countercultural – the forgiveness business. Culturally, those who forgive might intrigue us, but we prefer not to get too involved ourselves. We prefer people to forgive us and we can remain upset about the injustice against us. There was even a country song, called “I just want to be made for awhile”. The Dixie Chicks made great money off their song “Not Ready to Make Nice.”
When we have been instructed culturally about forgiveness, it has been wrong. We have been taught that forgiveness and forgetting go hand in hand. In fact, we are told to forgive and… forget. I have even had people tell me that the Bible tells us to forgive and forget. This is NOT true! Does anyone know where the phrase, ‘forgive and forget’ comes from? There are two possible origins, both from around a similar time frame. For our literature and English teachers, from Don Quixote de la Mancha by Cervantes, we read: “Let us forget and forgive injuries.” From Shakespeare’s King Lear, “Pray you now, Forget and forgive.” Despite the strong literary pedigree, this is not biblical, scriptural, or of God. In fact, throughout scripture, God calls us again and again to remember. We are to remember how God has redeemed us. You don’t forgive people because they deserve to be forgiven. You forgive people because when you didn’t deserve it, Jesus forgave you.
Paul’s extensive correspondence with the church at Corinth highlights this. As they experienced conflict and challenge as a young church, Paul sought to walk them through the challenges of interacting with the culture around them. In our reading this morning, we hear clear directions about the value of forgiveness in the midst of conflict. Paul recognizes the pain of division and conflict, not just to one person, but also for the whole body. He calls the church to forgive abundantly, amply, almost wastefully. We hear in his treatment of forgiveness the words of Jesus as he returns to the disciples after resurrection, If you forgive the sins of any they are forgiven. If you retain the sins of any, they are retained – incredible power disciples are given.
After the horrific years of apartheid in South Africa, it could have been a flipping of the tables for those who fought for the freedom. It is often the story of struggle in which the oppression of one people is flipped into the oppression of the original oppressors. When apartheid finally fell in South Africa, the healing process for a country divided was essential. The Truth and Reconciliation Commission developed patterns and processes to listen to the pain caused by injustice and oppression and find ways to reconcile for a future together. The mandate of the commission was to bear witness to, record and in some cases grant amnesty to the perpetrators of crimes relating to human rights violations, as well as reparation and rehabilitation. The Archbishop Desmond Tutu articulated a faithful way to forgive and remember. His faith gave him a path forward. He writes along with his daughter, Mpho, a clergywoman in her own right, about revenge vs. forgiveness.
I included some of their wisdom in the bulletin. They first list what forgiveness is not:
• Forgiveness is not easy—it requires hard work and a consistent willingness.
• Forgiveness is not weakness—it requires courage and strength.
• Forgiveness does not subvert justice—it creates space for justice to be enacted with a purity of purpose that does not include revenge.
• Forgiveness is not forgetting—it requires a fearless remembering of hurt.
• Forgiveness is not quick—it can take several journeys through the cycles of remembering and grief before one can truly forgive and be free.
They observe the difference between forgiveness and the revenge cycle. In the revenge cycle, what we do naturally, is vicious cycle that we cannot exit. We are driven by pain and choose to harm others, emotionally, mentally, and even, physically. In doing this, we have rejected the Imageo Dei, the image of God in the other. We move into actions of revenge, retaliation, and payback. This is through violence and cruelty that cause hurt, harm, and loss. PAIN is the experience of all.
Instead of the revenge cycle, the Tutus share the forgiveness cycle, based on the way of Christ, and detailing a path forward for each of us hanging on the hurts of days gone by. This is not cheap forgiveness and grace, this is the hard work of being disciples of Jesus. First, tell the story of your pain. Telling the story is to reclaim your dignity after the pain experienced. This allows us to begin to make meaning out of the situation. Redemption is the act of making meaning out of pain and suffering. Ideally, you tell the story of your pain to the one who caused it, but first begin with sharing it with a loved one. Second, name the hurt. We must give voice to what harms us in order to keep pain and loss from taking root inside of us. In naming the hurt, we will experience grief. Grief will come in all of its form, but we move through grief as we encounter the full complement of feelings and emotions. Third, grant forgiveness with shared humanity. We recognize that in the other, is the same humanity is us. Humanity capable of wonderful feats and horrific acts, co-existing together. We choose to forgive, in the short term or over years. Forgiveness is beneficial to our health, offers freedom from the past, heals families and communities, and is a gift we give ourselves. Fourth, renew or release relationship. In forgiving, we can either reconnect or renew the relationship with the one who caused us pain or release the relationship. This is a choice, only you can make. Renewing is not restoring. A relationship does not merely pick up where it left off. It finds a new starting point out the conversation telling, naming, and granting. This process moves at the rate we are prepared for. Sometimes we are not there yet. How long does it take to forgive? Sometimes a moment and sometimes a lifetime.
This morning as you come to the communion table to accept the forgiveness offered you, who is God calling you to forgive? Is it a spouse or a child? Is it a long held grudge against a parent or a sibling? Is it a divide between a family member or with a friend? Who is God calling you to take the next step in forgiving? God gives us the power to forgive and then invites us into the hard work of forgiving. Come to the table this morning asking God to put on your heart someone who you need to forgive and remember.
This is the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, thanks be to God, Amen.